my snark is worse than my spite

Reverb Day 6: Despite our usually sunny dispositions and dedication to the practice of “assuming positive intent,” we all occasionally find ourselves having to deal with an incredibly unpleasant individual. While I’m sure you always handle it with the tact and finesse for which you’ve become so well known, I’m going to ask you to step outside yourself for just a moment. Think back to such a situation: if the gloves were off, how would you really have liked to have dealt with them?

I have one of those faces - you know, the one that betrays my every emotion. The one that can mask neither my glee nor my annoyance nor my disgust. It is irrelevant, generally, for me to say what I'm thinking since my face yells it loudly (though it's pretty open to interpretation, so asking what's up is still encouraged). 

And yet, sometimes what I think also sneaks out in words. I am not so practiced, in fact, at not taking things personally. I have not built a strong muscle in 'assuming positive intent.' I have been accused of using my power with words as a weapon. And, I have inherited a heritage of sarcasm that is, frankly, not all that becoming. 

So I have to say that I do not aspire to this. I do not wish to rant, or bite, or lash out. I wish to have my face, my tone, and my words reflect another me - one that rises above; one that takes the high road without feeling wounded in the process. I aspire to that. I am not yet there. 

I once has a co-worker who, it seemed, actively disliked me and tried to undercut me. I may be wrong. Maybe for 4 years she accidentally lost my emails, mis-understood my communications, and misrepresented my words. Maybe it was less intentional than the pattern of behaviour came to look over time. Maybe other people warning me about her was coincidental. Maybe her screaming at me in front of colleagues was a learning moment. Maybe saying the organization was 'just fine before I got there and would be just fine after I left' wasn't personal. 

Regardless, I wouldn't change my reaction of shaking my head, shrugging my shoulders, glaring, and walking away. I wouldn't go back and lash out. I wouldn't call her the descriptor I think best fits. She was the conduit for my leaving, for my pursuing the thing I had long dreamt of doing.

If I saw her today I would thank her* - for teaching me that you don't have to like everyone; for teaching me that you don't have to tolerate bad behaviour; and for giving me one last shove out the door right when I was wavering. Even (insert descriptor)s have their purpose. 

*That's a lie - if I saw her today I'd pretend not to see her and walk on by. Who needs the pretense? 

do you hear?

Reverb Day 5: What is the sound of your own voice?

I like talking. One on one, To a crowded room. From a podium. To another face resting beside mine on the pillow. I also like singing. In the shower, In church. On a stage before hundreds. With my sisters. To my sons when they would let me. To a lover if he'll let me. 

What I don't like is listening to my own voice. People tell me I'm a compelling speaker, a pleasant singer, but I don't hear it. Sometimes when I'm otherwise occupied and have an idea about a story or a blog post I will record that thought as a voice memo. and invariably when I listen to it later it makes me cringe - I sound whiney and somehow fake. When I used to sing publicly I would record rehearsals for reference when I practiced at home. I could rarely listen to the playback. 

The same holds true with the small voice inside my head, which is sometimes not that small - sometimes it booms. It can yell, whisper, sing, and state unequivocally, but without an audience and agreement, I find it so hard to listen to. I hear it. I know it's a fine voice. I just have trouble listening to it. 

So, I though I'd do something a little crazy here and post the only recording I have of me singing. It just happens to be "Do You Hear What I Hear?" - oh irony, you are so fun. I'm singing alto (although I'm a soprano) - and I start with the first verse - and my friend Esa is singing tenor (although she's an alto) - maybe you can pick it out, maybe not - it's okay. 

a stable centre

Reverb Day 4: We are all lightning rods, conduits for that which the Universe wants born into this world. What energies did you channel this year?

We may all be lightning rods, as my eloquent friend Noël suggests in today's prompt. In fact, I don't argue that point at all. But when I look back on 2014, I see so many things going on. I channeled somethings that weren't good for me or the people around me. 

And then, in May my book club read Daring Greatly for our retreat weekend, something stuck, and things started moving, vibrating, coalescing. I think I can safely say that being bold has been the energy I've channeled since then, and I hope it's the energy I've inspired in others. Perhaps bold is the wrong word; bold is a little harsh, a little in your face. My experience of daring greatly is gentler than that. 

For me daring greatly has meant a couple things that look pretty dramatic from the outside, I'm sure, but on the inside it's all been baby steps and discovering my line in the sand, then asking the question - what do you really need here? The tricky part is then putting the fear aside and going for whatever that answer is. Sometimes it's quitting a job or ending a relationship or doing something that takes you far from your people. Sometimes it's making a phone call you're not sure will be answered. At the centre of it all, what might look like bright flashes of daring out there feels like a slow-growing peace. 

loving what is

Reverb Day 3: It’s all too easy to put off loving where we are until everything is perfect. What can you love about where you are now?

When I first saw this prompt on twitter earlier today I jokingly replied "aw, do I have to?" In that particular moment, what was on my mind was a specific lingering something that I sometimes can accept but can't quite go far enough to love.

For me this is the epitome of 'loving
where I'm at.'

But if we are talking where I am now in literal terms, well ... what's not to love? I am living and working in Kingston Jamaica. I am told the weather has turned Christmassy, but it has turned from 32 degrees celsius for weeks on end to 27-31 degrees, with some more rain thrown in (aside: the rain is a good thing; a months long drought had decimated the agriculture industry, and they need help bouncing back. It's essential to the economy, and to my blossoming watermelon & coconut addictions). 

Every day I learn something new, have an opportunity to challenge something in myself - sometimes something small like trying a new food. Sometimes something larger like my prejudices, presumptions and privilege. I laugh and am laughed at. 

I am witness to more vivid colourful full-volume sensory-overload life after 2.5 months in Kingston than in 13 years back home in staid Victoria. Some days I miss the quiet of Victoria, but more often I enjoy the spectacle.

On weekends, I try to make my way to the ocean. Sometimes I plunge in, sometimes I touch my toes at the edge of the water and let the waves break against my legs. The ocean is restorative for me - it washes away all the mayhem. 

So when it comes to the broader, big picture, all of life, and some of the particular details and loving what is - I'm working on that.

Loving where I actually am now - I have that covered. :)

release

Reverb Prompt 2: What unfinished projects from 2014 are you willing to release now? (Regret not required.)

Earlier today when I first read this prompt but didn't have time to respond it didn't speak to me. Now it sings to me, one of the most irritating earworms of 2014. I'm not even going to name that tune just in case any of you are free from it for the moment.

I don't know so much about having lingering projects from this year, but that's not to say I don't still have things to release. Sadness is one I'm working on. Expectations (though it would also be appropriate to say that releasing expectations has been an ongoing project for a few years and with little forward motion). I think that in tidying up my life in order to leave it for 5 months, I also completed a lot of releasing. 

I suppose there are a couple things that fall in the "I wish" category that I could release. It would be worth it to arrive in 2015 without the weight of old concerns tied to one leg. I wonder though, do I release that weight by taking firm actions or by metaphysically turning it into a helium balloon and letting go of the string.