Patsy May

Some people - people who like to be scowled at mostly, like her baby brother - call MTW Patsy May. I think maybe her dear dad started it. And my dear dad takes it on sometimes (though mostly he just calls her 'hon' - I don't know what he calls her when he's pissed off). Five people from a giant 20 year old to toddling 20 month-er call her Grandma. To a whole slew of nieces & nephews she's Auntie Pat. To her friends she's mostly just Pat. And just three of us are lucky enough to call her "mom."

With Mother's Day approaching I've mostly been thinking about how much I dread this 'holiday.' I hate hoping the BBs will do something for me without my reminding them (or giving them money for the presents). I blush with the realisation that there is no mom award for which I'll ever be eligible or nominated. I regret some things that are, and wish for some things that aren't. As with most things in life, when my focus is on me there's not that much to be excited about around Mother's Day, and I wish it'd just go away.

And then as I was making lunch just now I remembered - Mother's Day isn't really about me, it's about honouring my Mother. I often carry on about how much I love my dad - and trust me, if anyone has heard about it all my life it's my mom - and I've kind of just expected her to be okay with that. And to know that I love her too. That's what mom's do, right? We put up with not getting Christmas presents, or being left out of the photo montage LOVE wall (I really DO intend to have her picture there - I just don't have the perfect one yet!)

So I thought maybe I'd try to make up for some of my daughterly neglect in a blog post. Because nothing says I love you like online media, right? Without further babbling then, I present to you my mom:

Patsy May is funny. She forgets sometimes, but she loves to laugh. And to sing. And to create. She has her father's way with words and her mother's sharp tongue and together they shine a bright clear light on the world. She's petite, but she carries herself in such a way that she is never unnoticed in a room. She's stylish and classy and always dresses the part.  She has such an eye for beauty and an ear for harmony that every where she goes - and she goes a lot of wheres - she brings back sights and sounds and experiences to share. In the words of one of her Grandsons, "Grandma could make cardboard taste good" - though she hasn't tried cardboard, she does love to cook for her family and friends, to leave us all nourished and nurtured and healthy. She's a small town girl and an ardent world traveler. She cares enough to be honest, and to hurt when her honesty is taken the wrong way.

This is my mom. Who loves her family. And takes care of us. And prays for us. And wants nothing more than for us to be happy and well. And who, like most moms, often puts what she wants aside for what she thinks we need. Thanks for all you've done, Mom. And for all you still do.

This is my Mom. Who I love. And who more than anything these days I wish I was more of.

Things I love Thursday: Techno geek edition

So I've been thinking about this post for a while. It occurs to people that I'm online a lot - mostly because I'm online a lot. A Facebook status update here. A Twitter tweet there. An all-too occassional blog post. And it's possible that some of you wonder why. Why is Shan online so much? Is her 'real life' not engaging enough? Does she not have enough 'real' people in her life? Is she bored? Is her iPhone really that much cooler than a book?

Heck no. But let me explain.

I love people. All people. Or at least, many many people. And the reason I go online is to connect with people. Different people in different spots at different times. And also, to have people connect with me.

Exhibit A: http://www.scwinks.blogspot.com/ I have been blogging for over 7 years (though you can't really tell anymore since Squarespace deleted my old blog and I haven't figured out how to import my previous posts here). I blog because I call myself a writer and wasn't writing very often. Now I blog. I'm still not publishing much, but at least I am committing words to some form of publicly consumable format and keeping the dream alive. By however tenuous a lifeline. I blog so you have access to the writerly part of me.

Exhibit B: Facebook For a while Facebook was my joy. I got obsessed. I couldn't go more than an hour without seeing who said what and adding my supposed witicisms to the fray. It is not Facebook that matters to me though. On Facebook I am connected to almost 400 people who I had already met in 'real life' many of whom I'd lost any contact with and missed dearly. Facebook allows me to know that my elementary school best friend is now living in Ottawa and adjusting to a new city, to share with her about motherhood ups and downs, and to watch her young daughter grow. It also allows me to giggle at videos of my dear baby nephew, and to keep tabs on all my various cousins.

Exhibit C: http://twitter.com/scwink Ah, Twitter, my latest buffet of connectivity. What I love about Twitter is that on any day I can connect with global leaders in the writing, communications, mothering, and entertainment worlds. I have networked with authors, artists, big-time bloggers and even Erica Ehm. And they have connected with me. Every time I go on Twitter a stranger contributes to my life and learning. Where else can you say that?

And now, I have an iPhone. Yes, it is in my hot little hands a lot of the time. And no, I'm not playing Sudoku or Popping Blowfish (at least, I'm MOSTLY not doing that). I got my iPhone because it allows me to blog/face/tweet/text and call anyone anywhere at anytime.

If that makes me a geek, so be it. But now that I think about it, I'm pretty sure I'm more of a people geek than a techno geek.

Things I ♥ Thursdays: Let it Shine, let it Shine, let it SHINE

When my reminder that it's Things I Love Thursday popped up today, instead of my usual "yay! something to write about" I thought - oh crap, I've written about all the things I love.

I'm sure that can't possibly be true. I mean, I've only had theme Thursdays for a few months now, and even though the posts often contain a list of items, it's not possible that I've exhausted all the joyous moments of life. And then I remembered that originally it wasn't just supposed to be any random things I adore, but the shining moments of the last week when I did something I love.

So I looked. And then I remembered a shining moment - I sang on Monday. Not a whole song. Not a planned performance. And not brilliantly. But I sang, with my whole heart "This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine."

What most of the 80 or so people in the room didn't know was that that's not the first time I've performed that particular song. We sing it regularly in my choir - in the version below - but even that is not where I first performed it.

No, once upon a time 5-year old Shanny in a long white cotton dress with red buttons, holding a white taper candle with a protective tin foil handle stood on her church stage and sang her little heart out. And when we got to the verse "Won't let Satan *puff* it out" little Shanny puffed too hard. And her candle went out. And she thought that had meant Satan had won. And through her tears she watched her cherished Sunday School teacher Gary re-light the candle. And she wiped her tears and sang on.

Last Thursday I was looking for a saying for myself. Something to pull me forward in those moments when I forget who I am. Something Sacred that would restore me to myself and who I truly am. And it came to me, first as a saying. Then as a hum. And then as a wiping-my-tears-and-singing-on proclamation:

This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine.

Let it shine, let it shine, let it shine.

And so on Monday, in my seminar, when the seminar leader asked if I'd sing my Sacred Saying, I smiled, and took a deep breath, and began. And then I just stood there and shone.

Couldn't have put it better myself.

"Caught up in the day-to-day drama" of my own little life, I received Hugh MacLeod's daily cartoon newsletter today. Impeccable timing once again, and fulfilling on the promise of his newsletter, the sign up form for which includes "Remember Who You Are." There's something very reassuring about a stranger touching your heart. And so I share with you Hugh's art & words:

Breathe

These are the lines of the final verse of one of my favorite hymns, "Dear Lord And Father Of Mankind". I first learned it when I was about ten.

Of course, back then I had no idea what the words meant. Not really. Then with time the meaning got more and more resonant..

We get so caught up in the day-to-day drama of our own lives, even though we know in our hearts how little of it really matters in the long run. But we like to make a big production of it, regardless. We're human, so OF COURSE we do.

Though wouldn't it be great if, one day, we taught ourselves to act differently? That's what this verse is about....

Things I ♥ Thursdays: Shining Moments

I'm going to be straight with you - it's been a crap week. And then again, there have been some really shining moments. What's nice about your average crap week is that the shining moments REALLY shine:

• Smiling in the open face of a perfect dogwood blossom
• Giggling at everything/nothing with my niece
• Couch 'voguing' and singing along to Glee (which really goes along with the giggling)
• The heady scent of lilies gently filling a room, then a house, then your heart
• A long forgotten melody stuck in your head, the video of which makes me laugh at who I once was
• Love ambling up and quietly taking my hand