Driven to Impress

I noticed something about myself the other day that I've been both reflecting back on, and observing as a continuing phenomenon. And it's this - if I can't be totally outstanding/impressive in an area of life, I pretty much don't bother with it at all. My attachment to having people say "holy cow - look at her go" has me take things on at 130%, and then abandon them when I get 80% returns.

It's one reason I took as much schooling as I could - because that's an area where I can generate impressive results. And I've taken on dieting and weight loss in the same way in the past - measuring/tracking EVERY morsel of food, or cutting out sugar and literally SPITTING OUT something that I put in my mouth out of habit. And then losing 35-40 pounds only to gain them back in a year or so.

I do the same thing with relationships. And jobs (who cares what I do anymore since nothing sounds as impressive as what I used to do). And it's this drive that started the 14-day "I'm Hot" challenge.

So, today is day 14, and I didn't go to class. I know the 6 am class is the only one I could make today, I was awake in time, but I didn't go. The thought conversation was something like this

"you enjoy it and you'll feel great"
"ya, but I already missed 4 days"
"and still you've gotten great results"
"ya, but I'm going dancing tonight so that's active"
"Oh right. Never mind then"

And some ridiculous part of me feels like I've failed instead of acknowledging what I've done for myself over the last 14 days. Really, as soon as I was thwarted in going every day, I knew I would have wiggle room. And I started to wiggle. I went to 9 classses in 14 days, but 3 of those misses were times when I could have gone and justified not going.

That's what I didn't do - go to class every day. But what did I do?

• 9 - 90 minute classes
• 810 total minutes in the hot room, not including the extended final savasanna
• 234 poses (including balancing stick & toe stand for the first time yesterday)
• 18 breathing exercises

Not to mention some little changes I can see in myself after just two weeks (some things - like sleeping well - I experienced the first day!)

• a new curve in my waist!
• seeing a little bone I never knew I have in my ankle
• arms that hint at losing their grandma wave
• sleeping well more nights than not
• waking rested and alert
• baby smooth skin
• a body that's craving more yoga & good food

There's a piece of me that wants to chuck the whole thing. Not the real me, just the "110% or nothing" driven to impress piece. You see, my two-week pass expires today, and if I sign up for a full membership before it expires, I save money. But I'm waiting on payment for an invoice, and until that comes I'd only be robbing Peter to pay Paul. And I just don't feel like I can justify doing that for this - for something that only benefits me, and that looks pretty frivolous next to what isn't getting paid for.

I'll phone the studio and see if there's something we can work out. And I promise you (AND ME!) that I will get the full membership one way or another. I just might have to wait a few days. It's less impressive, but more balanced. And balance is something new that I'm happy to take on 110%.