Sometimes, just when everything is going well - when work is ticking along, and there's no immediate BB emergency to focus on, and my sweetie is being his sweetest, and there are things to look forward to - some teeny tiny little nothing ... a tweet, an unexpected ex sighting, something on Facebook ... will tweak my 'people - ugh' response and the avalanche begins.
I love people. I really really do. It's been a problem for a lot of my life that I truly love people and want the best for them, and get easily hurt because I think they don't give a rip about me. And so I've learned to choke it back a lot because I don't want my concern rejected. Blahdy blahdy blah boo hoo.
But, there's this other side. A less loving side. A side that finds stupidity tiresome. A side that wants to flip off ignorant drivers and yell at people who talk in the theatre. A side that rolls its eyes so frequently and dramatically that it causes headaches. And, more to the point, a part that sometimes really doesn't like people, as much as I love them. It's like, I love the idea of people - the amazing good that humanity is capable of - and the reality of it makes me want to shove a sock in a loud-mouth's face. I am not the idiot whisperer. But oh so very very often I wish I were.
And then, I'm disappointed in myself. Disappointed, and eventually disgusted. The gap between who I really truly am, who I think I should be, and how I show up in life sometimes throws me into such a mind-tangle that I forget where it started. A song starts looping in my head ... she ain't pretty she just looks that way!.It plays loud. And often it plays long.
Tonight it was obvious - the leap from spark to wanting to avoid a person so much that I'd consider not doing something I want to do because they might be there, to hating myself for that reaction was so close to simultaneous that I could see it and interrupt the slide. It helps when the slide is fast and obvious. It's easier to rein in.
But man it would be nice if it didn't start. If I wanted to help rather than judge people when they struggle with what seems simple to me. If I was sympathetic instead of impatient when I listen to the unrelenting chatty Cathys. Yes. That would be nice. And maybe I'd even like me.