Monday, September 19, 2011

turn and face the strange*

I noticed over the past couple days, growing - really - since the big release last week of fear and my realisation that everything is as it should be and we will be okay, that there's a fluffy light cloud of melancholy following me around. Just a tinge, off to the side of my my day, that I couldn't quite nail down. I wouldn't even say melancholy, really, more like the sharper edge of nostalgia. 

Life ... is good. I have work that matters to me, a boyfriend who continually blows me away with love and laughter and adventures and fun and solidity, BB2 is making his life work with a great partner and a job he enjoys, and BB1 is getting ready to move on to his next step, again. We've been here before. And this time is different. 

Last year when we were at this point, with the BBs on their own and me learning to take care of myself and starting anew as a single empty-nester, it felt like a trauma had gotten us there. And in fact, as a family, we had been suffering the death by a thousand cuts and finally had said 'enough.' And now, after a little more trauma and some slow recovery, this is where we should be. This time it's time. 

So why the sadness? Because change is always a move away from the familiar, and the familiar had its own comfort in it. In these last few months, awkwardness aside, it's been nice to have BB1 close by. I'll miss him, like I have been missing BB2 for months.

And that's not the only change I've noticed - again, it's good change, but the constellations of my friendships are shifting. Old friends are moving forward in my life, others are fading away, and some new friends are shining bright. It's all apart of how life goes, and I've learned a lot this year about what I value in friendships, and what it means to me to be a friend. 

As my home status changes again, for the first time in my relationship with STG one of us won't have a roommate. That's exciting. And it's yet another change for me, and for us. Maybe it's a natural growth for where we're at.

Maybe that little cloud isn't melancholy. Maybe it's fatigue after what has been almost 18 months of change. I'm pretty sure there's some aphorism about the only time we aren't changing is when we're dead. And so, since change is unaviodable, I figure why not just find out how fun it can be to 'turn and face the strange'*!

* A little disclosure: I always thought the lyric in this song was 'turn and face the stage' - because obviously David Bowie wants people facing him when he's singing ... ha. 

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