Friday, September 16, 2011

bad air out

I saw my counselor the other day for the first time in about a month. A lot of life has happened since we last chatted - more than I could catch him up on fully - and it was good to check in. To say out loud there has been good and bad but definitely more good, and that I'm learning again that the good is real too. 

We talked about some impending changes that, although I am trying to believe they are the right steps at the right time, still have me slightly terrified. He let me go on for a bit about what's scaring me, and then he said "You do know these are all good things, right." And I said I wasn't so sure. And he said "But, you do know you'd be okay, right? That even if the worst you can imagine actually happened, you'd be okay. That people live through terrible terrible tragedies and end up being okay?" 

And I had to be honest - I didn't that I'd be okay. And I honestly didn't know, until he asked the question, that I didn't think I'd be okay. That if the worst I can imagine came true, I wouldn't actually die - or worse, go on living and never get over the pain. And when I realised it ... my entire body shifted. 

I sighed from the very marrow of my bones. I let out months of stale air and tension and stagnancy. He just smiled until I was settled, and then he explained to me how the nervous systems work and why that sigh is a physiological response that signals the reaching of some soul truth (no, he didn't use such airy-fairy language ... I did) and that anytime I'm working through a fear or an anxiety or dismantling a thought I use to beat myself that big sigh is the signal I've found the truth. 

For some reason knowing there's a scientific fact behind what is otherwise just an unusual breath was somehow reassuring. But even more reassuring was the realisation that spawned the sigh: I'm going to be okay. No matter what else happens - and really, it could all be good from here on out - who am I to say? - I will be okay. 

And who knows - the changes coming up could be exactly what we all need. 

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