Tuesday, September 8, 2009

where did I put my mask?

To the casual observer, it probably looks like my life is pretty full of people. I live with my two mostly-grown sons, I have a loving boyfriend, I'm close with my parents & sisters, I have a wide circle of friends and I enjoy a busy social life. And that's not even counting all my social media 'friends' or work/business contacts.

But I'm beginning to realise, more and more the past few weeks, that despite the abundance of love and connections in my life, I really don't let anyone contribute all that much and I'm pretty certain that the best way to do things is on my own. My steed might be a teal Honda, and my mask might be a facade of 'I'm fine - don't worry about it,' but inside that I'm on my own, no help is coming, and that's been the way I like it.

To be honest, it sucks to be the Lone Ranger. Most of the time I end up tired, frustrated and annoyed that other people don't step up. I don't really know what's going on with other people because I'm busy racing from town to town putting out fires and rescuing orphans. And at the end of the day I've done it on my own so there's no one there to celebrate/commiserate with. Oh, and you never really get to be yourself if you're busy hiding behind a mask.

What REALLY sucks though, is I know this is what I've been doing and I know it's not what I want but I'm not really sure what it would take to do things differently. And, to be honest, I'm a pretty high achiever on my own, so it's possible that it doesn't even look like I need/want help. But I do.

I see now that some stuff that really matters to me just isn't going to happen unless I can learn to play with a team and accept some help - stuff like losing weight healthily, being rested & energized, doing work that matters AND that pays me well, writing, having a great family reunion in October, and creating a fabulous birthday part for CindeRita - but where do I begin?

GAHhhhhhhhhhhh. Tonto, are you out there?

(PS - for those who are following along, yes I did gain weight again this week +1.2 pounds)


  1. Well darling I can completely relate. I have always been the go-to girl and never accepted help from anyone. And having been unemployed for so long has shown me two things--one you can't always do it alone and you find out who your true friends are!

    Just so you know, I am here for you, day or night, and will do whatever I can to make your life a bit easier!

    Let me carry a few of your bricks from time to time. I can make room for a few while you get the other things rolling!

  2. Not sure how helpful this is going to be, but...big hugs to you from me. {{you}}


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