Thursday, March 11, 2010

I miss you.

In the last 4 months I've lost two important men from my life - one I had 12 years of love and friendship and support and encouragement and frustration and laughter and growth with. And one I had a future we thought was full of all those same things.

No, no - don't send condolence cards, they didn't die. But I said things that I thought I needed to say, and they responded how they thought the needed to respond. And now I get to have my life without them.

It wasn't my intention to have either man go from the innermost circle of my life to not being part of my life at all. But I thought what I had to say was important. It WAS important for & to me. And they reacted how they reacted. And then ... silence.

My instinct has been to try to make it right somehow. To restore the dropped connections without resurrecting the parts that weren't working. And to make sure never to say things again. And sometimes even to take back that I get to have what I need in friendships & relationships too. Only I can't. And even if I could, I wouldn't And, we all know there is no actual taking back. Words were said. Reactions were engaged. Silence.

If you are one of those men, you know who you are and who I am. And I want you to know that I hope you're well and happy. And I love you both for all the many lessons.  And I don't take it back, but I'm sorry it hurt. And I really really miss you.

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