I just had a bit of an epiphany. And, like so very very many of my epiphanies, this may occur to the rest of you like 'she's only figuring that out now?' None the less, here it is:
I can't be anyone but myself (more on that in a minute) - if that doesn't work for you, you should spend your time with someone else.
I have been twisted up in knots all week trying to figure out what I'd need to be less of, and more of, who to emulate and who to expunge to be happy, loved, cherished, honoured and wanted. It's been pretty tiring - both for myself and for the people around me. And, these knots being of the Gordian variety, it's been an insolvable riddle.
And then I read something just now cleaning up my bedroom that untangled the whole mystery. What I read said "Remember, when you get right down to it, there is no real you." In this usage, real means essential, unchangeable, universal. Which, unlike so many existential quandries, is good news, because it means I get to say. And, this is what I say...
I am a bold, beautiful blonde bombshell.
That may not always be easy for people to take. But I love being front and centre. I love making an entrance and shaking things up a bit. I love that I have a sharp mind and a quick wit. I love being creative and adventurous. And I love playing up my bombshell assets. It's no accident that one of my two favourite outfits is my corseted ballgown, or that I have more than once been Mae West for Halloween. I can be a bit of a bodacious broad.
And, even all of that is not always true - I can also be bookish, or balanced, or a b*tch. Or I can be breezy or brazen or a total basket-case and sometimes even bashful.
The thing is, you don't get to choose, because one B word I am not is a buffet. You don't get to just pick the parts of me you like and forego the other bits. This babe is Prix Fixe. No substitutions (though if there's something you're REALLY allergic to, the chef might be able to work something out if you let us know ;-) - you get to choose me as I am and accept what you choose.
And, at long last, I get to choose me as I am. And, that is a huge relief.
And, while we're at it, kudos to The Catch who had the wisdom to tell me this week (not that this is the first time I've heard this) 'it's pretty hard to cherish someone who doesn't cherish herself.' And to DivaMoe, and ShellBot, and SC2 (and extra thinks for 'bodacious!), and Miss Lady for their corporate wisdom and unflagging patience.