to say "I Love You" right out loud. YIKES!
Joni Mitchell's 'Both Sides Now' has haunted me since ... well, I'm not sure since when, but for a very long time. Maybe because I was a girl who built castles in the clouds? It's pretty and melodic and lyrical and imaginative and girly. It's a me song. I love the build up of the verses from illusion to love to life. And then the kicker - "I really don't know love/life at all." It sounds so unmenacing in a high sweet voice. But it stings.
(NB: I wasn't going to post about this as I've been getting some feedback about my blog being too personal. Only, this is my personal blog. My only intention is to share with whoever cares to read it what I'm learning. And to provide myself with a public venue for writing. So ... I'm going to go on being personal. And people who are uncomfortable about that can cover their eyes in the private parts. XO)
I'm starting a new seminar tonight. I wasn't going to. I really need a rest, evenings off, time to learn and grow in new ways. Time to take care of myself. But then I read the seminar description (not to mention the hoardes of friends who insisted this is the PERFECT seminar for me - gee thanks, peeps):
The Basics of Love, Romance and Partnership: you will step beyond what you can strategize or figure out. You will discover being related independent of your past, your expectations, your preferences, or your views ... personality or circumstance ...
Okay. I give up. Maybe this is the seminar for me. As much as I like strategizing and figuring out, my preference, views and expectations haven't really served me all that well so far. And even my winning personality apparently has its weaknesses. I told my Funk Soul Brother that I'd registered grudgingly and was now freaking out, and his lovingly big-brothery response was
what is the payoff for being "scared" of this seminar? Getting to be alone maybe? ... Are you scared that you may actually get something from the seminar? A new relationship perhaps? Improved relationships maybe?
The problem with hanging out with people who believe in you is they are SO hard to convince of your pathetic neediness and the hopelessness of your situation! HA! And really, what's the point of designating a big brother later in life if he can't be big brotherly with you?
So, I'm off to my seminar. What I'd really like is to curl up with a book and a good stiff drink and forget I ever said yes. But this is a chance to really and truly (maybe) discover something else is available in my relationships - romantic or otherwise - than being scared and insecure and constantly on the verge of loneliness. And that's worth a few Monday evenings, isn't it?