*sigh*

It's a beautiful sunny autumn day in Victoria, and I even have the day off work. And all I have attention for is how disappointed I am to be here and that there's nothing to look forward to but more of the same.

I'm supposed to be in Vancouver. With Shiney Shan. I've been looking forward to it for more than a month. Most people think that I was going to give her support and love and encouragement while she supports her mom at the cancer treatment centre. And that was definitely true.

But I was also going to get all the support, love and encouragement a 38-year best friend can give with just a smile. I was going to tell Shiney all the things I haven't wanted to tell her in a phone call or email. I was going to cry and let go and say how unfair things are right now. And I was going to let her do the same.

But I'm here. With so much I want to avoid that even changing the tire on my car feels insurmountable, even though three people have offered help.

I don't know how to explain to them - those people who offered help - that I just need someone else to be in charge for today. Somebody else has to know the answer this time, even to something as simple as changing the tire.