#LeSigh

I want to make it better. I want for everyone to stop hurting, stop being stressed, stop worrying and fighting and struggling. I want life to be fair. I want people's goodness to matter more than their bank account. I want their potential to weigh more than their past. I want a hug and a kiss and holding hands and listening to take away fear and replace it with peace. I want everyone to have everything they need, and some of what they want. I want people to dance and laugh more and to cry less. I want 'I love you' to sound like the silence of listening. I want beauty to mean more than power. And I want everyone to go to sleep tonight knowing they are loved, safe, respected, perfect. I want it to get better, whatever it is. I want all of that for you. 

Dancing through Life

In no particular order, here are the things rattling through my brain this quiet Sunday evening: 

My Queendom for a Project

I had brunch earlier with my powerhouse friend the ÜberCoach. She was talking with great excitement about her new blog 'Playing With My Food,' how much fun she's having with it, and the way it fits into the bigger difference she is committed to making in the world. 

I've never had that feeling about this blog, or about it's predecessor on another platform. I've been blogging for 7 years and for me it's never been anything more than an exercise in public writing. It was never meant to be my ticket to fame or a side income. But what struck me was I have had other ideas that I have been excited about and not followed through on - things that I'm passionate about like ÜberCoach is passionate about good food - and that I have never gotten beyond reserving the domain name for or doodling some sketches in a notebook. 

To have the life I want over the next 10 years I'm going to need a side income. Why not have that be something fun, something that turns work into play, and something that might even help other people with living a life they love. Wouldn't THAT be cool? So why do I feel exhausted just thinking about it?

Moving on Down the Scale

It seems like ever since I hit the -30 mark on my weight loss journey back in January, I've been skating. I think it's partly because I'm not totally sure what to do next, though there are definitely other factors (see below). Some of the things that got me here (like a total ban on sugar and dairy pre-Christmas) are not long-term sustainable. I like sugar. And I like cheese. So a total lifetime ban is only setting myself up for failure. 

I've gotten this far about 80% through dietary changes - some of which are now habit - and am starting to wonder: what will it take to lose those last 15 or so pounds? Will I be able to keep it off? Can I enjoy the things I like and still keep losing? Can I be committed to a healthy life that isn't defined by deprivation or obsession? 

I know that one key addition to the plan is adding exercise but I HATE gyms and exercise classes, and now that I'm constantly freezing cold walking to work has lost its appeal until spring. There are lot of activities I enjoy - real world activities like hiking and biking and swimming and making out and dancing and walking. Mostly they are also social activities, so I guess I'll just have to find some people who want to do those activities with me. And no, not all activities are open to all participants. ;-) 

Who Me?

Two things have happened in the last 10 days that have me a little ... well ... they can't be encapsulated in one word together or alone - excited/scared/aware/worried. One of those things is super awesome and spectacular. And the other, well, it's truly craptacular and stressful. Between the two, I'm scared that I'll abandon those the things that matter to my wellness and future in order to take care of the people who depend on me and nurture my magical surprise. They aren't separable of course, taking care of the people who matter to me and nurturing my magical surprise also matter to my wellness and future. But you know what I mean - how do I keep all the plates spinning?

So, that's what I've been thinking about. No answers, just lots of questions, a fear or two, and some excitement and gratitude. Something tells me that the secret to it all is to finally give up thinking that I'm better off dancing in the corner on my own and taking to life's dance floor with people who will dance with me. I sure hope we hear the same music.

Barney's Version: Review

I don't know the last time a novel has taken me a month and a half to read. I started Barney's Version by Mordecai Richler on Boxing Day and somehow, despite my better judgement, refused to give it up until I managed to force my way to the finish tonight. 

View on Amazon

I kept thinking it had to get better. I mean, Richler is a Canadian institution. This is not a story that improves as you warm to it. It is depressing. The characters largely lack charm or redemption. The writing lacks poetry. The dawdling plot is made more convoluted and stagnant by foreshadowing and flashback. I honestly only finished reading it because I prefer to read a book before seeing the movie adaptation, but now, having finished it, I have no interest in seeing the movie. I clearly am missing whatever the critics who called it "hilarious," "wonderful and gripping" read. 

I really want to love Canadian literature. I want to support the arts in Canada. I want to brag about how clever and distinct our writers are. Richler does not help my case. 

Totally awesome ... even when it's not

What a difference a week and a half makes. If there's one thing I know about life, it's that it just keeps on happening. The good, the bad, the sublime and the mundane. Life.

Today I was at a training on the university campus and saw a girl in a t-shirt like this one and it just made me smile -->

The thing is, shit happens. I try not to swear on here, but really that's all there is to say about that. Shit happens. 

But so does beauty. And happiness. And miracles. Primroses on the patio and bubble baths. Jeans that are too loose. Matching smiles and hour long hugs. And chocolate. And there is just always going to be enough awesome to make up for the other stuff.