Wednesday, January 11, 2012

cookies + feelings + huffpo

It's amazing how quickly an agreement with myself goes out the window. For over a month, give or take, I've been following a food plan that is designed to heal some of the damage to my digestive system. I won't go into any details, but suffice it to say that my love of all things sugar had taken its toll and I was suffering in ways I hadn't experienced since going gluten-free six years ago. I held FAST to the precepts for the first 10 days - going so far as to stop myself from licking a single beater/spoon/bowl/finger when doing my Christmas baking. 

In agreement with my health practitioner, I put the plan on hold over Christmas - three days with the family is no time to avoid sugar, dairy, etc, etc. When I came home, the idea was to get right back on track. And I have, sort of, kind of, partly. Okay fine - the truth is, I've 'cheated' almost every day. Only a little bit. Only a bit of this, or a little of that. A couple cookies in the midst of all those legumes and lean meats and vegetables can't be that bad, right? 

I want it to be somebody else's fault. I want to say that it's because I am doing this on my own. But really, on my own is pretty much how I do everything, and the truth is that I've been holding my commitment to get healthy cheap and my promises to myself lightly. Because, more often than not, I hold myself cheap. We've been here before. This is not a new revelation. 

This evening was an interesting experience though. I'd done well today, for the most part. And even better yesterday. I felt like I was going to finish strong as there's only a few days left of this stage of the program. And then ... out of the silence ... a hurt feeling. And behind that hurt feeling, a story about who I am - not worth it. Easily ignored. Stupid for thinking I matter. 

And suddenly an entire package of gluten free caramel chocolate dessert treats is gone. Too be clear, the 'entire package' contained 5 pieces. But still. After the first one I thought "my body doesn't want this much sugar - I'm not even enjoying it" but ... my mind wanted. Or if not my mind, whatever part of me believes those stories - I mean, since I'm so worthless that I sit here being ignored all night, why not eat everything in the house? Who is going to know or care? 

I do. I know. And I care. 

A really interesting shift though is that I'm not beating myself up and hating myself for it - for the cookies or the thoughts. I ate cookies. I didn't murder a kitten. And, I did my best today. And yesterday. And on the weekend when I had hash for brunch. And every day before, during and after the plan. 

Every day we do our best for that day. Some days our best is better; some days it's worse. But it's always our best. 

And just when I was wondering what to do about all of that, I saw this article from the Huffington Post called 'Healing with Hurt Feelings.' It's a good one ... you should go read it. 


  1. I'm looking for someone to work through this book with me (supportive accountability). Check it out: It's Mary Katharine

  2. HI Mary Katherine - that book does look like a lot more fun than most. I wonder if there's a BIG BIG section on emotional eating - that's what gets me every time.

  3. thanks for the article rec....

    good luck with your diet/eating plan. I'm doing something similar because of health problems. so far, so good.

  4. Thanks, Lance! Good luck getting healthy ... for some reason it feels easier when that's the focus rather than 'stop being so fat' (me, not you) :D

  5. Your blog and the article are definitely things I deal with. And some days I am stronger than all arenas! ♪bobbi♥

  6. Thank you, Bobbi. Such common things so many of us struggle with you'd think we'd either find acceptance or find a solution. I do appreciate knowing I'm not alone in my journey though :) XO


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