Mother's Day is coming - it's inescapable. I've learned in the past to try to ignore it, but last week BB1 asked if he could take me out for dinner this Sunday, so this year at least I can acknowledge the day. I am honoured that he asked.
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| Yes, they're cousins - born 20 years apart |
Every TV ad. Every radio conversation. Every other blog post I read seems to be about mothering/Mother's Day right now. They sing our praises, extol our supposed selfless-ness, encourage the purchasing of jewelry and spa treatments to repay us. Mostly they make me aware of how much I am NOT that mom in the ad. But I am a mom, and as content with that as I am with my other flawed identities.
I began a comment this morning on 'Diary of a Mad Woman's post 'On Being an OLD Mom', but quickly realised that the comment was morphing into a post of its own. This post. I could go on and on about what it's been like for me being a 'young' mom - or a mom at all - but the job isn't over, so the story has no end.
I was 20 when I got married, 22 when we welcomed BB1 into the world, and 42 when he and his brother left home simultaneously. For 12 of those years, it was just the 3 of us. We had the best of times, and the worst of times, and my daily prayer is that those two extremes balanced out.
My first-born sister was 44 when she had her one and only - the light of his parents' and (now properly grandparent aged) grandparents' eyes, not to mention a complete joy to his mostly adult cousins and rested-enough-to-enjoy him aunts.
What I've observed and experienced is, being a mom is hard and delightful and the most confidence building and confidence shaking experience a woman can have. That was true when I was 22 and taking BB1 home from the hospital. It was true when I was 30 and the youngest mom in our middle-class middle-school. It's true of my high-achieving executive sister who I've only ever see really question herself at the thought of doing motherhood 'wrong.'
My sons are adults and I still spend sleepless nights worrying about if I'm doing enough. Or too much. Or the wrong thing entirely. We all do our best, and that best varies from day to day. We all learn as we go. We all stand - and sometimes cry - on the shoulders of those who've come before. We all light the way for those who will come after. And we all fight to be acknowledged for that job and still retain some sense of ourselves separate from the 'Mom' identity.
Your post reminds me of the fears and concerns of my mother. We recently spoke about her fears as a young mother (she was 21 when my brother was born). She was so worried she was doing it wrong.
ReplyDeleteI told her: we didn't know that. She was our mom and the only mom we knew and we didn't judge. We didn't have anything to compare her to.
It was rewarding for me as a grown daughter to give that back to my mom. I only hope my children feel the same way.
And how lovely for you to have a son who wants to honor you. Kudos.
Thanks for the inspiration. What a thrill it must have been for your mom to hear that feedback and to have the appreciation of her adult daughter.
DeleteYes, I was thrilled with the invitation. I've raised 2 men I'm proud of ... I hope they know that.
Popped over from Mad Woman's blog to read your thoughts - I love the part where you write "What I've observed and experienced is, being a mom is hard and delightful and the most confidence building and confidence shaking experience a woman can have." That struck such a chord for me - and it has been true in my life as well. I was 23 when I brought my first baby home, and have never had a more humbling experience than trying to mother. On the other hand, nothing has given me more confidence - if I can do that, I can do anything!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Jessica. I'm so glad you found yourself in what I wrote. :)
DeleteAs a mother currently tortured by an unravelling discipline stand-off the questions 'How can I do better? what am I doing wrong?' are dogging my every step. I have to keep reminding myself that all I can do is the best with what I have, but we're travelling a rough road just now. Thank-you for this post.
ReplyDeleteOh, the stand-offs. I don't miss those. I hope the road smooths out for you soon, and that you stand strong knowing you ARE the perfect mom for your children. Thank you for stopping by.
DeleteAll of this is so very true. Great post.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Mel. :)
DeleteI am both you, and your sister. I had three kids in four years from 19 to 22 years old. Raised that pack, then had the youngest at 42. Yes. We were surprised :). It's the same and it's different but I'm so glad for each and every one of my kids. I too experience the "did I do enough" and "am I still doing enough". We wouldn't be good moms if we didn't have those doubts. It proves we loved and continue to love our children.
ReplyDeleteOh wow, Debbie, I can't imagine starting over again now - or even a couple years ago. What a difference adventure it must be this time around! Thanks for the great context for our doubts, too - we worry because we care and because it matters to us that we do well. I will carry that with me.
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