on the other hand

I woke up on Tuesday and finally admitted to myself and my beloved that I am deeply unhappy. Not with anything in particular, just like a cloak I've thrown on and can't seem to shake. I'm not even really sad - I'm just unhappy - tired, and unhappy. I'm not seriously immobilised like I was last summer - this is a high-functioning unhappiness, an unhappiness with moments of sparkle and touches of laughter. This is probably not a surprise to the people around me, but I was in denial.

In some ways it just doesn't make sense. I don't want to change anything - work, STG, the love shack, etc. But, I'm deeply disappointed in myself - this is the life I said I wanted and I want to wake up with joy and gratitude for making it happen. It's frustrating that there was a time I didn't have the life I wanted, and yet was frequently grateful and satisfied in it. 

Anyway, I'm contemplating my options for 'fixing' the problem - do I go to a doctor & get anti-depressants (they've never worked in the past)? Do I revive my alternative medicines - accupuncture, herbs, massage - that cost money, but seemed to work for me? Or some combination of those two things? Do I just need to move my body and lose some weight and stop being a whiner? Do I need to find new 'things' to bring me joy, or just remember who I am? 

This is not a post I want to write - it's just what I have to get off my chest so I can get on with everything else. But the other day UberCoach wrote on her Facebook status

"And suddenly, happy. Just there, no reason. I've missed that." 

And I realised how much that's the only thing left for me to want - it was a celebration for my friend, and bit of a challenge for me.

I suppose this post contradicts last week's post about happiness being a shallow pursuit. On that, let me  again quote my dear old friend Walt Whitman: