Thursday, June 21, 2012

on the other hand

I woke up on Tuesday and finally admitted to myself and my beloved that I am deeply unhappy. Not with anything in particular, just like a cloak I've thrown on and can't seem to shake. I'm not even really sad - I'm just unhappy - tired, and unhappy. I'm not seriously immobilised like I was last summer - this is a high-functioning unhappiness, an unhappiness with moments of sparkle and touches of laughter. This is probably not a surprise to the people around me, but I was in denial.

In some ways it just doesn't make sense. I don't want to change anything - work, STG, the love shack, etc. But, I'm deeply disappointed in myself - this is the life I said I wanted and I want to wake up with joy and gratitude for making it happen. It's frustrating that there was a time I didn't have the life I wanted, and yet  was frequently grateful and satisfied in it. 

Anyway, I'm contemplating my options for 'fixing' the problem - do I go to a doctor & get anti-depressants (they've never worked in the past)? Do I revive my alternative medicines - accupuncture, herbs, massage - that cost money, but seemed to work for me? Or some combination of those two things? Do I just need to move my body and lose some weight and stop being a whiner? Do I need to find new 'things' to bring me joy, or just remember who I am? 

This is not a post I want to write - it's just what I have to get off my chest so I can get on with everything else. But the other day UberCoach wrote on her Facebook status

"And suddenly, happy. Just there, no reason. I've missed that." 

And I realised how much that's the only thing left for me to want - it was a celebration for my friend, and bit of a challenge for me.

I suppose this post contradicts last week's post about happiness being a shallow pursuit. On that, let me  again quote my dear old friend Walt Whitman:


  1. --Our blogs reflect our moods at certain times. Sometimes my posts are funny and other times I'm crying my eyes out.
    Don't worry...I believe most of us contradict ourselves every once in a while.
    I know I do, & I don't care cuz it's ((MY BLOG!)) <3

  2. Ha- thanks for that :) 'Its my blog & I'll cry (or laugh or expound or whine) if I want to' :)

  3. Not many words to offer, except to say that I really hear this and understand. Lots of love to you, my beautiful, radiant friend. <3


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