Some of the greatest moments in life are great in their anticipatory states. As I inch towards them, these magical moments, wondering, curious, and tentative, sometimes it's almost the case that I don't want to reach the destination the journey is so delicious. Reading a perfect book is like that. Or a first kiss with someone new - I imagine it. I dream about it. Our eyes meet, and I blush and look away and wonder and urge on and pull back from the moment. My heart pounds & my palms tingle. And then it's there - his lips are on mine. With all it's reality - sometimes better - sometimes not - than the anticipation. There will be another first kiss with that person, and the anticipation is all too often the magic.
I feel like that about ... oh pretty much my whole life right now. I've taken on so many big and small and medium size changes lately I hardly recognize myself. Sometimes I think I just need to sit on my couch for a while and let it all catch up. And then,I think - no, all that stopping does is allow sludge to creep back into the few square inches of clear space I've created. And so I keep going. Only I keep going with the stuff that doesn't matter so much - the dinner dishes, sweeping the floors repeatedly (I'd forgotten how much hair and dust and dirt and cat litter carpet hides), twittering - and not at all on the things that do. My health. Time with people I love. A peaceful, creative mind.
And so, I'm HUGELY anticipating, with the whole kaleidoscope of attendant swirling thoughts and emotions - the beginning tomorrow of 21.5.800. It will have me back in the yoga studio after a 6 month hiatus. It will have me writing for real. My 800 word daily quota is what I write for me - my novel, my blog, my journal. What I write for work/business will not count. Because work/business writing is always there, but it's not what feeds my soul. I think what makes me most nervous is having a structure that will call me to really do the things I keep saying I'm going to do - write. And care for my body. It really needs me right now. It's time.
I'm nervous. And excited. Full of all the magic and fear of anticipation. Will I follow through? Will I learn and grow? Will the community (currently 200 strong) accept me as I am and support me in getting where I want to be? Tomorrow will tell. And 20 more tomorrows after that.