Monday, August 2, 2010

roses are red. Bora Bora is blue.

I am not someone who watches The Bachelor/The Bachelorette. Which is not to pretend that I've never seen an episode or two - in fact I'm watching the finale and after show of the current season as I write this - I'm merely saying that I've never be someone who can extend my suspension of disbelief far enough to make room for the idea that such a contrived and staged concept could ever lead to a deep and committed connection.

There. I’ve said it.

My friend SC2 swears by it - is borderline addicted in fact - and I certainly wouldn't want to step on her toes on this matter. However, here I sit, wondering if it's TV shows about love that I don't believe in, or the 'romanticized' version of love that we are inundated with across our culture. Or in fact if they are part of the same issue.

Being given a rose. Or escaping to Tahiti. Or having a cornucopia of accomplished, attractive, successful men lined up fighting for you is great. I certainly don't want to dissuade anyone who is inclined towards buying me flowers of any sort, or taking me to exotic locales, or rounding up a plethora of intelligent, amiable, hotties. And having an hourglass figure, smooth skin, perky bouncy breasts and hair that never grays would also be great, but I can't for a moment believe that any of that has to do with love, fulfillment, or satisfaction.

Love me, love my belly. And at least get to know me.

The best I know of love is this: my parents met when they were 10 & 11. Sometimes they ignored each other in Sunday School and sometimes Dad got to walk Mom home. They dated, and broke up and dated some more in high school. And broke up some more. Until Grandma said marry her or quit it.

They married (thanks for that!), they raised 3 daughters through laughter and tears and frustration and fear and proud moments and worry. I think that sometimes they probably felt like they hated each other. Or at least were bone-weary of each other. And yet, they worked through it. They read or prayed or took courses or went away for the weekend. And they worked it through. And sometimes even now, after 20 or so homes, and 5 grandkids, and more sons-in-law than daughters, they work it through. And they laugh. And dad pats mom on the behind when he's feeling playful. And they bicker (though they will insist it's not bickering) and they travel and keep on. Mom makes boiled raisin cake with burnt-sugar frosting for dad’s birthday. And dad buys mom beautiful presents for hers.

I've never been able to pretend that it's been easy for my parents - or my aunts & uncles, or my grandparents, all of whom took the ‘work it through’ road - to put their commitment ahead of their feelings. I know that walking away is less difficult, in the moment, than staying for 48 years. But easy doesn't have anything to do with love either.

And, I would take the model laid by my parents any day over the TV 'unscripted' romance, the ball gowns, the roses. I know that from where I am now whatever love I create won't be the same story as the model that has worked for my parents. And I'll take 'getting to know you' and conversation and working things through any time.


  1. Oh but it's so much fun to watch other people's fiascos in the world of relationships than live them oursevles don't you think? and not an avid watcher of the show either (although this season I was hooked), I only watch (sporadically) The Bachelorette because women on the The Bachelor are way too catty and it saddens me to watch them deteriorate as the show goes on. Having said that, I was disappointed in last night's outcome, however...if they are happy than who am I to judge.

    the very first season of The Bachelorette I watched and loved. Trista was the woman's name and she was the "reject" from the first season of The Bachelor (which I also watched). I felt her pain when he didn't pick her. However...She found a love...very true and real. They got married on television and have since had 2 children and are still happily married living in Denver or something. And it's been about 8 years. Something like that.

    When I watch I look past all the frills. It's not like that. I know that. But it sure is fun to fantastize that it could be like that...but making fun of it..somehow makes it okay.

    Now the story of your mum and dad...that would be fun to watch in a "The Notebook" kind of way.

    Thanks for writing.

  2. see - the thing is, this is just the very beginning of a relationship, so comparing it to a marriage of 48 years is a bit apple/duct tape-ish. Some relationships make it thru the crap of day to day life, and most don't, but either way, this is the romantic, fun, "new" part. With helipcopters.

  3. Ah yes, the old apple-duct tape comparison fail. Duly noted.

  4. BTW - It's really the hothouse getting to know you period that concerns me. Not unlike online dating or relationships that start out long-distance; it's all too easy to be some perfected polished version of our selves when you don't have to deal with whose turn it is to drive or fitting romance in between the rest of life.

    Still ... I get your point. :)

  5. bora bora would be nice just once tho. tell ya what. me and my text slang using self will win some lottery then you may consider yourself expected to attend :D with bunnybutt! hehee


Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...