Thursday, December 29, 2011

good riddance, 2011

It's one of those days. A day when I woke up with something nagging at the back of my mind. Not a thought so much as the shadow of one ... sneaky ... hidey ... furtive. I'm just sitting, and reading, and online-ing and pondering. And trying oh so hard to get that sneaky darkness out where it belongs - in the light of day where I can sort it through.

And then it occurred to me that 2011 is ending, and as happy as I am to see it over, it's now the new 'known' whereas 2012 is the new unknown. There was some great stuff this year - okay, really just STG, but that's a good one - but in general, this year was terrifying, disappointing, nerve-wracking and exhausting.

I didn't know at this time last year how shattering the year was going to start off. I didn't know that I'd be faced with circumstances I could never even imagine how to survive. But now I've survived them. There are still times I get inexplicably anxious, and I still wake up in the middle of the night with my heart in my throat, but those episodes are getting less frequent, and I'm constantly learning how to manage them, to stop the train, and break apart the fear. 

BB1 has commented on it - last week he said it'll be good to have this year over, and hopefully 2012 turns it around for us all. The truth is, if you look at our daily lives, we all seem to have recovered and be moving forward. My relationship is strong. I'm doing better at work. BB2 is kicking butt in his job and making a real life for himself. BB1 is putting foundations in place to really move his life forward.


I started writing this two days ago, but couldn't quite circle things around to the light enough to know where I was going. Today as I tidy my house and prepare to head off for a quiet, intimate afternoon and evening with STG, reflecting on what we've gone through together and what we're planning for next year, it struck me. Yes there is still some fear, but underneath that I'm furious. I'm furious at the people who brought such fear and mayhem and threat into my life. And I'm even more furious at the people who should have stood by us who disappeared. I'm furious that STG had to stand in the gap when he barely knew us because he could see other people weren't stepping up. I'm furious that those same people haven't bothered to ask how we're doing, and instead have averted their eyes.

To those people I say, "We're doing fucking brilliant, no thanks to you. We have everything to look forward to, and much to be grateful for. Wish we could count you in that list. Thanks for the lesson in not having expectations of people - I won't make that mistake again ... at least not with you."

2012 is going to be awesome ... and I will let go of the anger before midnight tonight. I just thought, just this once, I'd let it out in the light of day. 

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