captain of my own vessel

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about the direction of my life, whether I'm really actively living or just surviving, and wondering how much my passivity has influenced the lack of action in my BBs' lives. To be honest, I was pretty much beating myself up about it. And I realised last week (it was a Deep Thoughts with Jack Handy kind of moment) that I can't pave someone else's road, I can only carve out my own path and hope they see how to do it. And then I kind of went back to doing nothing about it except wondering and worrying and fretting and dealing with each day that came along.

I've thought often of a willow tree, and how it has such deep roots that it cannot be blown down by winds, but instead has the grace and flexibility to remain rooted while bending with the wind. A rigid cottonwood seems stronger, but snaps in any storm. But the willow bends and sways and goes on being where it's planted, doing what it's designed to do. I love willow trees.

So here I am at work (shhhhh - don't tell anyone I'm blogging at work!) and a song I swear I've never heard before and certainly don't remember downloading starts playing in my songlist. And Garth Brooks croons

You know a dream is like a river
Ever changin' as it flows
And a dreamer's just a vessel
That must follow where it goes
Trying to learn from what's behind you
And never knowing what's in store
Makes each day a constant battle
Just to stay between the shores...and

I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
Like a bird upon the wind
These waters are my sky
I'll never reach my destination
If I never try
So I will sail my vessel
Until the river runs dry

And I teared up. And stopped the song. And started it again. And teared up and let it play all the way through. And then I listened again. And again. And then I decided to share it with you.

@ Yahoo! Video

I don't know when it became okay to give up on my dreams. Maybe it was standing in line at the food bank. Or when once too often I had to tell a BB no because of money. Or when I went from too many teaching jobs to too few and then realised that I'd mortgaged our future on an education I'm not using.  But somewhere along the way I just gave up. To the point where now I'm not sure I could realy tell you what my dreams are for sure, but I know they aren't this.

And yes, I know I have a long history of songs being epic and emotional touchstones for me. But I can't think of a song that I would more love to have be me ephithet (or do I mean epitaph?). Either way. I think it's time I return to sailing my vessel. If you want the rest of the lyrics, here they be.

"The River"
You know a dream is like a river
Ever changin' as it flows
And a dreamer's just a vessel
That must follow where it goes
Trying to learn from what's behind you
And never knowing what's in store
Makes each day a constant battle
Just to stay between the shores...and

I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
Like a bird upon the wind
These waters are my sky
I'll never reach my destination
If I never try
So I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry

Too many times we stand aside
And let the waters slip away
'Til what we put off 'til tomorrow
Has now become today
So don't you sit upon the shoreline
And say you're satisfied
Choose to chance the rapids
And dare to dance the tide...yes

I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
Like a bird upon the wind
These waters are my sky
I'll never reach my destination
If I never try
So I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
There's bound to be rough waters
And I know I'll take some falls
But with the good Lord as my captain
I can make it through them all...yes

I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
Like a bird upon the wind
These waters are my sky
I'll never reach my destination
If I never try
So I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
Yes, I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
'Til the river runs dry

Written by Victoria Shaw & Garth Brooks