Stumbling towards Ecstasy

or, Even a Stumble is (usually) a Forward Step.

You may have heard rumours, dear reader, of my having abandoned my man fast. You may have noticed a brief elevation in tone, followed by a quiet period (if you don't have anything nice to say about yourself ...). Yes. I confess. I broke my man fast.  And not for any good reason other than because I could, I wanted to, and somebody whose opinion I value thought the whole thing was stupid to begin with (I may not have told him the whole concept) and validated my wanting to break my promise to myself.

And what I've noticed after a brief foray in the candy shop of dating, is that pretty quickly it got stale and unfulfilling. Mostly because pretty soon I was right back in to my gorge & purge routine, stuffing in all the treats without taking time for the substantive nutrition that I need right now.

It's been a good lesson. I'm not sure how many times I have to re-take this lesson, but it was still just there waiting for me, so I got to take it over again. Groundhog's Day for the heart (truth be told, my heart was never anywhere near this experiment - how could it be??).

So, it's back to the drawing board. What was missing from the man fast is that it quickly turned into a rule (and we all know I like to break those) I'd sentenced myself to instead of being about an opportunity for me to focus on myself for a while.

Miss Lady (bless her all-knowing, all-seeing heart) mentioned on Sunday an idea she has for us women types that it's about time we start to realise that until we love ourselves it doesn't matter how much someone else wants to love us, we're never going to see/feel/experience it. This is likely not a new or novel concept to most of us, but it felt new at the time.

And then, later that day, elbow deep in cleaning my neglected apartment, I thought something I've never thought before. Ever.

I DESERVE BETTER, DAMN IT!

I don't mean I deserver better in a partner, though to be honest I often deserve that too. Mostly I deserve more from myself. More than settling for scraps of attention when what I want is respect and interest and, ultimately, partnership and passion. I deserve better than trying to make something work with whoever comes along. And most of all I deserve better from myself than selling out, stepping over, pretending it's okay, and 'forgetting' that I said I'd eat well, exercise, focus on the things I love, manage my money for experiences I crave and items I adore, and truly learn to take care of myself instead of hoping someone else wants the job.

I'll be frank - this is not a really awesome time in my life to be single. If there was ever a time when I wanted someone I could count on to just hold me, or to do the dishes, or to bring over some Thai take out and sit with me on the couch to eat it, this would be the time. But I don't have that. What I do have is a ginormous loving family and the most fantastic friends ever. And they're going to be with me through the next few months. They might not cuddle up with me in bed at night, but I bet they'll call, and buy me gluten-free cookies, and refresh my flowers if I forget to buy fresh ones.

I am single. And today I am lonely. But most days I am merely alone. And never more than a blog post, tweet, facebook note, email, stroll down the hall or phone call away from someone who loves me.

And while we're on the subject - this is a really lovely video: